Which Way’s Up?

Getting the wake n' bake in before morning services

At least that’s what I gathered from his remarks at CPAC today:

If you have a law so dumb that we are teaching 13 year-olds to break it, you probably oughtta change the law.

If we’re taking cues from 13 year-olds then the drinking and smoking age need to be repealed and this kid gets to be ambassador to Great Britain and the sentimental favorite ambassador.  

Also, these were too fun so I did a couple:

Newt letting his fans know that Arnold is Numero Uno

Relaxing with a toke during Congressional committee meetings

whichwayisup Out of Context marijuana, newt gingrich, Politics, Republicans, ridiculous

Give me a minute . . . I'm thinking of ways this is wasteful spending . . .

To the delight of confirmed marxists and the dismay of “real” Americans, Obama issued his ambitious, proletarian-revolution-leading budget today.  Dropping all pretense that he is not a Soviet spy from the past sent here as a manchurian candidate to destroy America’s capitalist paradise, Obama included in his budget billions for the renovation of statue park  and the restoration and modernization of Comintern headquarters to include larger Comintern posters and a swiffer sweeper for Lenin (it cost billions because its globe-sized).  This will inevitable lead to a middle-American revolution with a Bobby Jindal inspired rallying cry: “Chemical Castration for all!”  The system simply was not built to handle this much change.

whichwayisup Politics Bobby Jindal, Obama, Politics, Republicans, ridiculous, Stupid

Just as you thought the much too real look at the corrupt sausage factory we call Illinois Politics had come to a slimy disgraceful conclusion, the thing from the swamp has reared its  ugly head one more time.  

Now comes word that Sen. Burris, who was appointed by the well passed disgraced Blagojevich, had tried (unsuccessfully) to raise money for Blago, who in turn found a nice government job for Burris’ son.  Which leads me to ask this: What was the political gain for Blago to appoint anyone to the Senate?  Isn’t it just dragging out the disgrace and thus keeping his tarnished name in the papers?  Won’t this simply taint the jury poll against him?  Is that what he’s banking on, a ruling that he is incapable of getting a fair trial in Illinois?

My money’s on insane megalomaniac.

"I depart, but my stain shall always remain"

whichwayisup Politics Blago, Burris, Corruption, Politics

Fox finds itself in another epic struggle with the facts

Fact checking has quickly become a media favorite, but some news outlets with a passing familiarity with facts have struggled with this concept.  Fox News put together this admirable effort that uses both hands and a professional train packer to shove words in Obama’s mouth instead of you know, checking the facts.  Here’s a taste:

OBAMA: “We have already identified $2 trillion in savings over the next decade.”

THE FACTS: Although 10-year projections are common in government, they don’t mean much. And at times, they are a way for a president to pass on the most painful steps to his successor, by putting off big tax increases or spending cuts until someone else is in the White House.

Obama only has a real say on spending during the four years of his term. He may not be president after that and he certainly won’t be 10 years from now.

What fact did you check exactly?  The fact that presidential terms last 4 years.  The “fact” that Obama is putting off huge tax increases and painful steps?  What about the $2 trillion?  Is he pulling it out of his ass?  Or has Obama pointed to spending decreases and Fox doesn’t believe him? 

OBAMA: “Regulations were gutted for the sake of a quick profit at the expense of a healthy market. People bought homes they knew they couldn’t afford from banks and lenders who pushed those bad loans anyway. And all the while, critical debates and difficult decisions were put off for some other time on some other day.”

THE FACTS: This may be so, but it isn’t only Republicans who pushed for deregulation of the financial industries. The Clinton administration championed an easing of banking regulations, including legislation that ended the barrier between regular banks and Wall Street banks. That led to a deregulation that kept regular banks under tight federal regulation but extended lax regulation of Wall Street banks. Clinton Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin, later an economic adviser to candidate Obama, was in the forefront in pushing for this deregulation.

Yes, this is entirely true.  It was under the Clinton Administration that the financial regulations and markets were liberalized.  It was with a Republican Congress.  There’s blame on both sides.  So where did Obama say that only Republicans were to blame.  To me the overreaction here is more telling than the fact checking.  The Republicans were in power for so long that their mantra is well know by all and is clearly being tested today.  Therefore, Obama doesn’t even need to accuse them of anything.  It’s the old detective trick.  Tell the suspect that the victim was brutaly bludgeoned and wait for them to deny vehemently that they even own any bludgeoning tools.  ”I don’t even know how to properly throw my wait behind a 10 lb sledgehammer.”  To which the detective coyly responds, “I didn’t say anything about Republicans profiting from an economic meltdown.” 

Here’s what a real fact check looks like.  What do you think?  Are you planning on enjoying the right squirm for at least the next 2 years?  Hoping that Bobby Jindal makes it to a debate with Obama?

whichwayisup Politics Economic Meltdown, housing, Obama, Politics, Republicans

I have here in my hand a speech delivered before Congress, and on the campaign trail, and in Europe, on prime-time TV several times before the election. . .

President Obama’s speech to Congress last night has elicited praise from unlikely sources.  Dick Morris heaped plaudits on the speech by the dump truck full - by which I mean he refrained from calling Obama a socialist.  

WITH a speech to match the most eloquent os [sic] State of the Union Addresses, with strains of FDR and JFK and a touch of Winston Churchill thrown in, President Obama has clearly staked his presidency on the outcome of the economic crisis.

Really?  I was pretty sure his presidency was about socialism - you know the big brother, no freedom, socialism we were scared up to believe was his hidden agenda?  The “European Socialist” conspiracy that implicated Gordon Brown?  (starts around the 0:50 mark) 

Oh wait here it is:

Halfway through the speech, the president got to the minefields of Social Security and health-care reform. He avoided any specifics, but it’s clear that he plans to salvage the former with increases in the payroll tax and implement the latter by government rationing of health care. If you like your HMO, you’ll love Obama’s health plan.

That’s the same clues I picked up on.  Like when Obama said “Thank You Madame Speaker,”  it was clear that he plans to raise capital gains taxes, while trampling a bible.  

But really Dick, in that stimulus bill you hate so much - the major tax cut was a PAYROLL TAX CUT - so the little birdie that told you they are going up was just trying to make you look stupid.

More importantly, Dick’s pissed that his taxes may be on the way up:

And then Obama affirmed that he’ll support big tax increases on the richest 2 percent of American families. Disregarding the fact that these households already pay upward of half of all income taxes, while earning only a quarter of the national income, he has singled out the entrepreneurs, professionals, innovators and businesspeople of America for taxation.

Although I don’t see how he fits into those categories that Obama is singling out (I think professional wind bag needs to be added), Morris is seriously pissed that the top 2 percent ONLY earn 25 percent of the income.  Maybe this will cheer him up (Share of Net Worth, 2004, halfway down on the right).

Oh, but he won’t raise taxes until he’s had a few years to stimulate the economy. How many in that 2 percent feel like one of those huge hogs in the Chicago stockyards, being fattened up to slaughter the next year?

It’s the French Revolution all over again!  They did eat the aristocracy in the French Revolution, right?  

So all this is so scary to Dick because people voted for it, they expect Obama to follow through on his promises and he reaffirmed his commitment to those promises.  Right?

This speech will be viewed as his high-water mark - the time before we came to realize how flawed is his understanding of economics and how supreme is his commitment to expanded spending. It will be seen as a sort of age of innocence before we realized what he had in mind.

No, it is a secret socialist conspiracy after all!  Whew, I thought for a moment that this “center-right” country voted for an out-and-proud communist.  Good to hear that we were simply duped.

whichwayisup Politics Dick Morris, Economic Meltdown, Obama, Politics, Republicans, Stimulus

Following President’s Obama ambitious outline of national priorities, the Republican response was delivered by Kenneth the Page - I mean Bobby Jindal.  In a stiff response delivered following a “something up my butt” walk up to the camera, Kenneth, I mean Bobby, made sure to touch on the important issues of the day - like don’t you think taxes are still too high and the left still thinks America sucks.  

In a response so disjoint from the President’s actual speech it seemed to have been recorded last week, Jindal clearly showed that people can’t trust the government because you know Bush fucked up Katrina.  He failed to mention that Bush fucked up the war too, but we still have to trust the government to take care of national defense.  Or maybe we shouldn’t.  The power of Jesus and the Magic of Capitalism will vanquish our enemies for us, Miss Lemon - I mean America.  

Thanks to Sadly, No! for the follow through

But let the main point be crystal clear, we can never trust the government to allow us to save our own friends from drownding, without getting insurance companies invloved.  Yeah, I don’t really get it either.  Anyhow, let’s buy up all the guns in the county and retreat to our bomb shelters.  Oh wait, no.  He advocated more tax cuts.  Shunning the old adage - fool me once shame on . . . shame on you . . . you can’t be fooled again - he retreated back to the old pool of solution on the right that has been drained out to the only popular solution left - paying off voters with tax cuts.  I can’t wait for more from Kenneth, er Bobby later.  

Jindal Responded

whichwayisup Politics 2012 elections, bailout, Bobby Jindal, Economic Meltdown, fresh faces of the GOP, Obama, Politics, Republicans, ridiculous

Speculating that President Obama’s Housing Plan will create a nation-wide false-bottom on the housing market, many entrepreneurs have invested heavily in the false bottom industry that is intended to boom in the near to mid-term.  Their money has been funneled into areas as varied as desk drawers with a false bottom to magicians wardrobes with a false bottom.

Dave Profitiy, a venture capitalist from Seattle has poured 70 percent of his capital into false bottom making and utilizing businesses.  He insists that the risks are inconsequential, but the potential benefits are astronomical, “You’ve got false bottom wardrobes, tables, stages, hats, pockets, vases, what have you.  And that’s only magicians we’re talking about.  Then you’ve got your false bottom paranoia, you know for the rich to stow away their valuables.  Which leads into home furniture: coffee tables, bookshelves, sections of the flooring.  I mean there’s no end to the possiblities.  And moreover, in our lifetime the price of false-bottomed things has never gone down.  My projections are telling me that this is going to be a $4 trillion dollar business in 3 years.  You don’t want to miss out on this!”

Still others are focusing their investments more narrowly.  Jacob Moneyton, an investment banker in London, sees the U.S. Housing bailout as creating a whole new industry that didn’t previously exist: “So this housing bill is intended to help those that could be reasonably able to pay their mortgages with a slight decrease in monthly payment, right?  Well that still leaves a vast sea of humanity that has no chance of paying off their mortgages as they fall deeper into debt and their mortgages go deeper and deeper underwater.  This means the people on the false bottom will have water to float on, which means they will undoubtably want to see the source of the economic meltdown they are living in.  That source though is underwater.  THEREFORE, the hunger of econo-meltdown tourist for scenes of the meltdown will give rise to what I like to call ‘Why are we fucked?’ tourist.  And why we are fucked is underwater mortgages.  THEREFORE, we need glass bottom boats to let the tourist see underwater mortgages from the false bottom that they are happily floating on.  I can see it now, people lined up around the block waiting to get a glimpse of just how fucked we’d be if there wasn’t this false bottom to float on.  

And it doesn’t have to stop there.  I’m envisioning underwater hotels with views of the abysmal state of affairs below the false bottom.  This is guaranteed to make money risk free.  What do you say can I count you in for 10 grand?”

whichwayisup Politics bailout, Economic Meltdown, housing, Obama, ridiculous, risk-free investments, Stupid

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal surveyed the sea of rising unemployment in his state and from a top his ivory tower extended a large middle finger in their general direction.  The thought bubble over his head read, “I see you suffering and I just don’t give a rats ass.”  But the words from his press release read:

The Governor said the state will not use a portion of the stimulus package that requires the state to change its law to expand unemployment insurance (UI) coverage to qualify for up to $32.8 million of the federal stimulus funding because it ultimately would result in a tax increase on Louisiana businesses. Qualifying for the $32.8 million provision is a precondition for being considered for another $65.6 million of federal unemployment insurance funds in the federal package, which would also require permanent changes to Louisiana law and additional annual spending.

He further adds that:

According to the Louisiana Workforce Commission (LWC), based on claims filed during 2008, the $32.8 million would run out in under three years and from that point on, the state would be required to pass along the cost of more than $12 million a year for supporting this expansion of benefits to Louisiana businesses.

So Bobby wants to turn down nearly $100 million dollars for the unemployed in Louisiana because in three years it could cost $12 million dollars a year to continue this expansion.  

Or Bobby could take the money and give it to the unemployed, thereby propping up private spending in his state for three years.  After which, if he deems it too expensive the benefits can return to their previous size and not require any increase in state taxes.

But instead Bobby’s turning down $100 million because in three years it could cost him $12 million.  Isn’t that a bit like turning down a bequeathment because you have to pay taxes on it?  Seems to me that Bobby is just looking to make some headlines, and has succeeded.  It’s good to see that there are still Republicans out there that are fiscally conservative enough to reject $100 million out of a possible $3 to 4 billion dollars in federal assistance (or 2 percent-ish).  And conservative enough to make sure it’s the most down trodden that pay the heaviest price.  It really does seem like a fresh face with fresh answers.  Against stem cell research, pro-life without exceptions, loves the PATRIOT Act, and always thinks tax cuts are the first and only solution.  Seems like the new GOP to me.

whichwayisup Politics 2012 elections, Bobby Jindal, fresh faces of the GOP, Republicans, Stimulus, the poor

The Dark Lord of Politics has again graced us with a glimpse off his massive juicy brain, in his weekly Wall Street Journal editorial.  It seems that Karl is a little concerned that the first month of the Obama presidency didn’t show the same “discipline” that Obama’s presidential campaign was universally lauded for (even by Rove himself in a back-handed sort of way).  Karl Rove’s hypocrisy has been made abundantly clear by many an observer. So let me just say that plans for things that you initiate are generally implied in the process of you know staring stuff (*cough* Iraq War *cough*).  While un-f’ing a situation that was thrown in your lap, can be a bit more chaotic and at times ad hoc.  But it is fun to see Rove - “the architect” of the Bush years who helped create 2 catastrophic wars and was part of the crew at the helm of USS Largest and Most Stable Economy in the World that helped to usher in the largest economic meltdown in a generation - complain that Obama did not have every last detail planned out and thoroughly vetted when he was handed the largest mess tax breaks could buy.  Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and lastly George Bush pushed Obama off a cliff with the three-pronged crisis that developed under their watch.  Now they sit back and complain, that the man isn’t synchronized driving on the way down.  Now that’s the rally around the flag effect I expect from Republicans in war time.  Because asking tough questions is un-American you know.  9/11 changed the equation, you un-American ass face.  If only Obama made use of the Jon Stewart equation:

whichwayisup Politics

Love kills

Another Valentine’s day has come and gone claiming hundreds of thousands of victims, adding to the worldwide death toll that now rivals heart disease.  The symptoms are easily recognizable even from great distances and yet the siren’s song is too tempting even for the strongest willed people.  Be vigilant of these signs and aware that logical thought and reason are the first victims of the poisoning.  

Closest thing to an Antidote

The first stage of Love Poisoning  is the least violent, but most disturbing - the uncontrollable urge to punch teddy bears in the face.  This is often coupled with a illogical fear of red.  This can manifest itself in ways as subtle as avoiding fire stations or running stop signs or it can be as overt as trying to rip out your own arteries to cleans your body of Satan’s stain.  If you exhibit these signs please seek help immediately.  It could be your last chance.

By the onset of the second stage the average man is locked up in his room raving about the “bear of satan.”  And yet the second stage is the most repulsive.  But to describe its effects a little bit of algebra is in order.  According to government studies, men use the word “love” at a frequency described by this high-tech equation:

Where “SEX” is the amount of times a male would like to have sex per second and “Temp in Hell” is the current temperature in hell, as reported by this trusted news source.  As you can surely tell, as the temperature in hell decreases the frequency of male use of the word “love” increases.  But in general the word is used infrequently and with the fingers crossed by male adolescents in order to aide mating.  Then by the time males have married the word is never heard from again.  A counter-intuitive phenomenon that is generally explained by the brutal murder of the slim possibility of even considering sex as an option by the female partner.  This is generally reinforced by the universal tradition of the One Year Anniversary  ”I’m tired” sign.  This serves the two-fold purpose of relieving the female’s vocal chords from the strain of constant denial, while crushing the male’s last shred of hope for marital sex.  

But I digress.  The second stage of love poising sets in after the male has punched all teddy bears in the zip code and freed himself of all red internal organs.  At this point the male is psychologically exhausted leading to the shut down of his logical brain and the release of an uncontrollable verbal projectile diarrhea that leaves those within in a city block too embarrassed to look the poisoned party in the eyes.  He is one example.  Those with weak stomachs should turn away.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYllzQPQp78]

As you can see the constant use of the word love is generally less revolting than the loss of muscular function, but much more revolting than the deterioration of the your command of english. 

From this stage there is no turing back.  Here is a second video of that couple in the space convertible after their song has finished.  

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiSp0MGRi0M]

And that’s that.  So keep a keen eye out and remember to isolate yourself from humanity as soon as you get violent with teddy bears!

whichwayisup Love Love, Poison, Sappy, Satan, Teddy Bears