Which Way’s Up?

I hate to say it, but if we don't pay these guys they will blow up the world.

The Case for Paying Out Bonuses at A.I.G.

I know that the official line is that the U.S. does not negotiate with terrorists, but these guys at AIG have pieced together one of the most destructive weapons of mass destruction known to man and they say they are the only ones that know how to diffuse it.  Also, even though the job market in general is shit right now, it turns out the job market for top executives, who brought about calamitous failure to their companies is still really good.  So, let’s just pay them off, because if we don’t someone else will.  There is still hope that they give back some of their ill gotten gains later.  Sound Good?  Also, if they leave they will do everything in their power to work against the government for further ill gotten gains.  Maybe we can ask them nicely to save the global economy and then shower them with money for un-fucking what they fucked.  It’s just crazy enough to work!

Which Way's Up? About the same length, Politics Andrew Ross Sorkin, bailout, Economic Meltdown, Politics, risk-free investments, Stupid

Following President’s Obama ambitious outline of national priorities, the Republican response was delivered by Kenneth the Page - I mean Bobby Jindal.  In a stiff response delivered following a “something up my butt” walk up to the camera, Kenneth, I mean Bobby, made sure to touch on the important issues of the day - like don’t you think taxes are still too high and the left still thinks America sucks.  

In a response so disjoint from the President’s actual speech it seemed to have been recorded last week, Jindal clearly showed that people can’t trust the government because you know Bush fucked up Katrina.  He failed to mention that Bush fucked up the war too, but we still have to trust the government to take care of national defense.  Or maybe we shouldn’t.  The power of Jesus and the Magic of Capitalism will vanquish our enemies for us, Miss Lemon - I mean America.  

Thanks to Sadly, No! for the follow through

But let the main point be crystal clear, we can never trust the government to allow us to save our own friends from drownding, without getting insurance companies invloved.  Yeah, I don’t really get it either.  Anyhow, let’s buy up all the guns in the county and retreat to our bomb shelters.  Oh wait, no.  He advocated more tax cuts.  Shunning the old adage - fool me once shame on . . . shame on you . . . you can’t be fooled again - he retreated back to the old pool of solution on the right that has been drained out to the only popular solution left - paying off voters with tax cuts.  I can’t wait for more from Kenneth, er Bobby later.  

Jindal Responded

whichwayisup Politics 2012 elections, bailout, Bobby Jindal, Economic Meltdown, fresh faces of the GOP, Obama, Politics, Republicans, ridiculous

Speculating that President Obama’s Housing Plan will create a nation-wide false-bottom on the housing market, many entrepreneurs have invested heavily in the false bottom industry that is intended to boom in the near to mid-term.  Their money has been funneled into areas as varied as desk drawers with a false bottom to magicians wardrobes with a false bottom.

Dave Profitiy, a venture capitalist from Seattle has poured 70 percent of his capital into false bottom making and utilizing businesses.  He insists that the risks are inconsequential, but the potential benefits are astronomical, “You’ve got false bottom wardrobes, tables, stages, hats, pockets, vases, what have you.  And that’s only magicians we’re talking about.  Then you’ve got your false bottom paranoia, you know for the rich to stow away their valuables.  Which leads into home furniture: coffee tables, bookshelves, sections of the flooring.  I mean there’s no end to the possiblities.  And moreover, in our lifetime the price of false-bottomed things has never gone down.  My projections are telling me that this is going to be a $4 trillion dollar business in 3 years.  You don’t want to miss out on this!”

Still others are focusing their investments more narrowly.  Jacob Moneyton, an investment banker in London, sees the U.S. Housing bailout as creating a whole new industry that didn’t previously exist: “So this housing bill is intended to help those that could be reasonably able to pay their mortgages with a slight decrease in monthly payment, right?  Well that still leaves a vast sea of humanity that has no chance of paying off their mortgages as they fall deeper into debt and their mortgages go deeper and deeper underwater.  This means the people on the false bottom will have water to float on, which means they will undoubtably want to see the source of the economic meltdown they are living in.  That source though is underwater.  THEREFORE, the hunger of econo-meltdown tourist for scenes of the meltdown will give rise to what I like to call ‘Why are we fucked?’ tourist.  And why we are fucked is underwater mortgages.  THEREFORE, we need glass bottom boats to let the tourist see underwater mortgages from the false bottom that they are happily floating on.  I can see it now, people lined up around the block waiting to get a glimpse of just how fucked we’d be if there wasn’t this false bottom to float on.  

And it doesn’t have to stop there.  I’m envisioning underwater hotels with views of the abysmal state of affairs below the false bottom.  This is guaranteed to make money risk free.  What do you say can I count you in for 10 grand?”

whichwayisup Politics bailout, Economic Meltdown, housing, Obama, ridiculous, risk-free investments, Stupid