Love Poisoning
Love kills
Another Valentine’s day has come and gone claiming hundreds of thousands of victims, adding to the worldwide death toll that now rivals heart disease. The symptoms are easily recognizable even from great distances and yet the siren’s song is too tempting even for the strongest willed people. Be vigilant of these signs and aware that logical thought and reason are the first victims of the poisoning.
Closest thing to an Antidote
The first stage of Love Poisoning is the least violent, but most disturbing - the uncontrollable urge to punch teddy bears in the face. This is often coupled with a illogical fear of red. This can manifest itself in ways as subtle as avoiding fire stations or running stop signs or it can be as overt as trying to rip out your own arteries to cleans your body of Satan’s stain. If you exhibit these signs please seek help immediately. It could be your last chance.
By the onset of the second stage the average man is locked up in his room raving about the “bear of satan.” And yet the second stage is the most repulsive. But to describe its effects a little bit of algebra is in order. According to government studies, men use the word “love” at a frequency described by this high-tech equation:
Where “SEX” is the amount of times a male would like to have sex per second and “Temp in Hell” is the current temperature in hell, as reported by this trusted news source. As you can surely tell, as the temperature in hell decreases the frequency of male use of the word “love” increases. But in general the word is used infrequently and with the fingers crossed by male adolescents in order to aide mating. Then by the time males have married the word is never heard from again. A counter-intuitive phenomenon that is generally explained by the brutal murder of the slim possibility of even considering sex as an option by the female partner. This is generally reinforced by the universal tradition of the One Year Anniversary ”I’m tired” sign. This serves the two-fold purpose of relieving the female’s vocal chords from the strain of constant denial, while crushing the male’s last shred of hope for marital sex.
But I digress. The second stage of love poising sets in after the male has punched all teddy bears in the zip code and freed himself of all red internal organs. At this point the male is psychologically exhausted leading to the shut down of his logical brain and the release of an uncontrollable verbal projectile diarrhea that leaves those within in a city block too embarrassed to look the poisoned party in the eyes. He is one example. Those with weak stomachs should turn away.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYllzQPQp78]
As you can see the constant use of the word love is generally less revolting than the loss of muscular function, but much more revolting than the deterioration of the your command of english.
From this stage there is no turing back. Here is a second video of that couple in the space convertible after their song has finished.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiSp0MGRi0M]
And that’s that. So keep a keen eye out and remember to isolate yourself from humanity as soon as you get violent with teddy bears!
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